sugar and spice and everything nice

Just like an episode of Sex and the City, it seems like the same theme has popped up in a few different areas of my life over the past few days.

I got an email from my editor at tvgasm last night asking me if I'd be willing to switch my assignment from America's Next Top Model to Flavor of Love 3. My editor seemed super awesome about it and said it would be fine if I didn't want to, it's just that the writer that was covering the show last season has decided she wants to come back and so they thought they'd check and see if I'd be willing to make a switch to accommodate her.

Knee-jerk girl response from me? Well, it really would make everyone else happy if I switched off this show and it's the nice thing to do.

Now while I generally like to see people be happy and not sad, I don't think anyone that knows me would ever describe me as a people pleaser. So what's with this sudden urge to forgo a much better assignment just to make two people I've never even met happy?

A few days ago, my friend Marianne just got offered an awesome new job and she's super excited about it. She's satisfied with the salary they initially offered her, but would like to ask for more. Still, she was worried that in the process of discussing this with HR, her boss would find out. I asked her what the problem would be if her boss DID find out - after all, salary negotiations are an accepted part of the new-job process. Marianne seemed concerned about what the boss would think because when the offer was extended, she was told that her salary was at the highest end of the range for the position. She didn't want to seem greedy. I told her the worst that would happen was that she could present her case for a higher salary, HR would think about it and tell her that they couldn't give her any more than the original offer. Marianne didn't seem very convinced.

Then, I watched the latest episode of Lipstick Jungle last night before bed. (Ed Note #1: Ughhhh what a train wreck that piece of crap is. Thank the lord the strike got resolved so I'm not stuck watching this mindless drivel for all of eternity.) One of the storylines involved a new job offer for the first assistant of one of the main characters, fashion designer Victory. (Ed #2: Yes, that's seriously her name. Victory).

So anyway, Victory gets that flustered, overwhelmed look of a proud mama and gives her blessing to the first assistant to go for the new job. The move will totally leave Victory up shit creek without a paddle, but it will be a huge step forward in the assistant's career, so Victory decides to make that sacrifice for her employee.

Victory immediately steps out to lunch, and the traitorous assistant switches over to full-on backstabbing mode, tearing out hundreds upon hundreds of sketches of Victory's latest designs. A few scenes later we see the new assistant pitching the designs to some fashion higher-up and taking full credit for them.

It's fairly certain that the writers - for whatever reason - are trying to say that:
a) only women will act out of the goodness of their hearts in the business arena.
b) they will get royally screwed for doing so, most likely by another heartless female who wasn't dumb enough to make the same mistake.

I know I'm making a huge societal assumption right now, but I think for the most part, girls in our country are still taught to be ladylike and polite in social situations, including the workplace. (I am loosely using the term "workplace" since I have yet to become a salaried employee for any company and am currently living in Europe, enjoying a sabbatical from nothing. Just run with it.)

I remember when I was too young to know better. Playdates at friends' houses were field days because I could call the shots when offered my choice of snacks and dolls and games, because at the time, we all followed the "It's polite to let the guest choose" rule. Somehow, somewhere down the line, that message got all mixed up with "Everyone likes someone agreeable" and my vocal assertiveness mysteriously evaporated. I know this extends far beyond me because I have frequently sat in cars full of girls all claiming, "I don't care where we go for dinner!" when I know damn well that at least one of them is craving broccoli cheddar soup from Panera or chopped salad from Portillo's.

Now, I'm certainly not saying all girls are like this. Props to the ones that speak their mind. I'd still venture to guess that at some point, most of them had to stifle an impulse to ignore their opinions for the sake of being agreeable. Still, there seems to be a very fine line between being assertive and being aggressive.

I remember the first time I drafted a resume and cover letter. I showed them to my Dad, since he's my be-all, end-all for all things tax/financial/business/grownup related. He struck every single verb on both pages and replaced them with more powerful options. As a journalism major, my mental thesaurus wasn't lacking. It just never occured to me to use such powerful - dare I say aggressive? - terms to describe myself. This coming from a girl who had more than a few yellow cards pulled on her during soccer matches (sometimes, AYSO ones) because she was throwing around her 5'9" too much and roughing up the other players.

But, I got over the resume criticism and quickly learned my lesson. I accepted my crown as reigning Resume and Cover Letter Queen and was called upon to edit job applications for quite a few of my friends. I hope I can be as quick of a learner when it comes to hammering out the details of job offers... hell, I hope I can stand up for myself in general in the office. I know I'm going to have to ignore my gut reaction to use ambivalent terms like "maybe" and "I think." No one's going to sell myself besides me. Hell, I hope I have the balls to negotiate my salary. Of my girl friends who have divulged these intimate salary details to me, nearly all accepted the initial offer with a smile and a handshake. To be fair, we're all fresh out of college and are eternally grateful for any job offer, but it's certainly not setting a good precedent when it comes to voicing our opinions at work.

Men might have this issue, but I doubt it. I'm gonna go with the evidence gathered from the time honored tradition of ordering shots. Whenever I'm out with a group of guys, and one of them decides that it's time for shots, he takes a head count, meanders over to the bar by himself, and comes back and hands everyone who is in (I'm always in) a shotglass. Usually filled with a dark liquid. Usually whiskey. Because that's how those Midwestern boys roll. But I can guarantee he bought it because it's the shot that he wanted.

When girls - from all parts of the country - hell, the world - order shots, it usually goes something like this:

Girl 1: We're out of cheap beer. LET'S. DO. SHOTS.
Girls 2, 3, 4: Yeah!!
Girl 1: Tequila?
Girls 2 and 4: No!!! I hate tequila!
Girl 3: SoCo Lime?
Girl 1: No, the first time I had SoCo I had so much that I vomited for two days straight. I can't even smell the stuff anymore.
Girl 4: Lemon drops?
Girl 3: Way too sickeningly sweet. Unless you want to see me puke in this empty pitcher.
Girl 4: Okay, you decide.
Girl 3: No really, I don't care.
Girl 2: Me either.
Girl 1: Me either.
*long pause*
Girl 3: Doesn't beer before liquor make you sicker anyway?
*scene ends with another round of Bud Lights for everyone*


***Ed. Note #3/Epilogue: I will still be recapping ANTM instead of Flavor of Love for tvgasm. While I'd like to say that's 100% because I was strong enough to stand up for myself... I also employed the (true) excuse that I can't get VH1 shows because they don't make them available to download for overseas users.